Report

I visited the allotment today, after meaning to do so yesterday. As you can see, it looks terrible.

I was pleased to learn that they haven't changed the locks in our absence, and nobody is squatting in our shed.

Here's the promised report:

Appearance: grassy. Similar to a tennis court with no net.
Crops: nothing worthwile. Some chard, left over from last year. All the rosemary you can eat. A few stray onions.
Weeds: many different species of grass. Do not mock - for everyone else's plot looks just as bad.
Pests: One of the chard leaves has been eaten by Derrick, an evil pigeon.
Slugs: 200 (estimate)

I celebrated by using my new saw to cut down a hawthorn bush. I seem to remember this was one of the things they said I could cut down.